January 2, 1993 – humorous people who are all very different

Realized that when asked a question that I don’t particularly want to answer I always respond with, “what?” Hoping, I guess, that the person asking the question will either forget the question, think the question not worth repeating, or, if it is a particularly disquieting question, the questioner will lack the courage to restate the question.

Who in my life was asking me disquieting questions? Imaginary people, that’s who.

One looks forward to the future and backward to the past, but the only way to envision the present is to look inward. The reason America is so vulgar is not that we have more vulgarity than other cultures. It’s that we have less beauty.

I was really down on a America – and vulgarity – as a teenager. There’s still a lot about it that deeply sucks, but also a lot of beauty, which I apparently didn’t get to see or ignored then. Also, seriously, vulgarity is fine. Sometimes it’s fun.

I have no idea what to do. If I work at school and get good grades, I’ll get into a good college. If I just attempt school and spend free time reading and writing, I don’t know what will happen. That’s the reason I feel terrified about school. I know what will happen if I succeed at school, but that’s not particularly what I want. What I want is something that’s not so easily deciphered and [illegible]. What I’d like is for the future to clarify itself…I’d like to know someone that I’m not related to, that I’m not taught by. Someone I can look up to. Someone who I’ve never been hurt by and someone who doesn’t know me from past experience.

I was looking for life advice. I think what I wanted was a guidance counselor, but not, you know, a Guidance Counselor.

I want to go away very, very badly now, not at the end of high school. I think that would be too late. Now. But I fear I won’t ever travel.

You won’t travel – much. It turns out traveling is really boring if you’re by yourself and socially awkward and blind and can’t see or interact with anything.

I’m not afraid of being a failure. I don’t plan to make large amounts of money…

Good!!!

…but I do want to leave this country. Or at least “suburbia.” I’d like a place with culture and diversity. Somewhere with humorous people who are all very different. For now, I’m too tired to read anymore and too full of energy to stay inside the house, but I will. I suppose I will do both of those things [read and stay inside the house], for I have nothing else to do.

😦

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