December 29, 1992

Still dealing with Christmas break depression and boredom.

I concern myself too much, I think, with the problems of others. Not enough on myself.

This sounds like I was a really great person who worried about other people, but what I meant is that I complain about other people’s faults too much and don’t pay enough attention to my own. I was relieved to read this because it was exactly what I’ve been thinking.

I will think more, but I must say this: I don’t really have much in the way of problems. Most of the time I like myself the way I am. 

I have a weird combination of inflated ego and worry that everyone hates me. So, the problem is not me. The problem is those other people who probably hate me. I think that’s what’s going on, anyway.

I then list what I see as my faults. I’m going to paraphrase them.

  1. I am jealous of other people’s social successes
  2. I talk too much about stuff people think is boring (theologizing?)
  3. I assume people will think this stuff is interesting until I find out they don’t and then I feel bad and boring and hate them
  4. I need too much time to myself
  5. I need to spend more time with other people
  6. I disregard 4 & 5

I was going to back these up, explaining them, but I won’t. I’ll leave them there to fester, instead of protecting them with explanations. Hopefully, they’ll die. 

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