December 28, 1992

I’m going to try to speed through some of these sad Christmas break posts, because they are boring and also because they are bumming me out. My crazed-with-boredom-and-houseboundness handwriting is also hard to read.

I think I would enjoy vacation better if I had a chance of eventually going out and doing something. I want to go out and do something important. I get this feeling even more now because I can play Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony.

On my CD player!!

I like the first movement and the second is okay, but the third and fourth movements are my favorites. They give me a sense of bigger things. While all I can do is sit around all day, eating frosting, and hoping that E will call.

Beethoven would probably be crushed to learn that I thought the second movement was just “okay.”

So, you know how in fantasy books some kid loses everyone and everything and is kind of thrown out into the world and has an adventure and makes magical friends and realizes she has some innate and important power and purpose and her life changes for ever and ever? This is what I wanted to happen. It’s so unfortunate that my, also teenage, friends couldn’t make that a reality for me. Losers.

There is seriously a whole page that doesn’t make much sense to me. Partly it’s complaining about being stuck in the house with no where to go. Partly, it’s me trying to explain how I try to understand other people, but the handwriting is hard to read and I don’t quite get it.

What I mean is, if I understand myself in a specific situation (understand my [scribbles] for things, what my feelings stem from), I can place a person I know somewhat in that situation and hypothesize how they react. This is very cold, but that’s not how it works exactly. It’s not a process, but a reaction. It comes naturally to want to understand someone. 

Is it like some kind of Skinner box for empathy? I don’t know…

I don’t understand why people find it natural to follow the rule of any institution created by people we’ve never met. Where did they get the authority? From the people? Certainly not from me. So, I don’t see why I should follow them. 

Fuck the system!

I had a thought. I know why I’d rather live 100 years back. It’s because I tend to feel that I’m living in a satire of society. That I’m living in one of those movies where they poke fun at TV commercials and [scribbles] commercialization. 

Did you get that? “I’m living in a SATIRE OF SOCIETY.” We are all living there now.

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